The 5 Dumbest Things I Found in A Bridal Magazine- Summer Edition

The main difference between Playboy and bridal magazines is that NO ONE claims to read Brides or The Knot for the articles. * We all just like the pictures in wedding mags- the content is borderline insulting. However, like Us Weekly or Star, they make the best airplane reading. So the past two trips I took to the airport, I made a stop at Hudson News and picked up the most recent issues of Martha Stewart and The Knot- NYC/Connecticut Edition. They didn’t disappoint; thus, I present the dumbest things I found, summer edition:

The Knot’s Real Wedding Features

Most of the featured weddings were marked as  “$$$$” or “$$$$$,” which is international code for “more than your peasant-looking-ass can afford.” A helpful little key at the bottom indicated that this specifically meant that the wedding was in the $80,000-100,000+ category. Shocker, a wedding that cost $100,000 was a success. No one saw that coming. Where are the cheap weddings? Or even the moderate weddings? The Knot’s key put all weddings under $30,000 as “$.” So…. yeah.

Invitation Etiquette

Both the Knot and Martha Stewart featured articles on the “correct” way to write invitations and address envelopes. Without exception, the lines featuring married couples were all written as “Mr. and Mrs. Robert John Carroll” or whatever. Yuck. Are we really still doing that? I would rather be lit on fire than be addressed as Mrs. Nicholas Foley. (JK, fire is my biggest fear, just like Frankenstein’s monster).

Decoupaged Shoes (Martha Stewart)

Don’t get me wrong- I don’t hate decoupage and I’m sure you can do some amazing stuff with it. What I DON’T love is the idea of gluing pieces of cut-out magazine paper onto a pair of suede shoes or a $26 pouch and then giving it to someone. Yes, it looks cute-ish in the picture, but I 100% guarantee this will look like garbage.  

$3 Ice Cubes (The Knot)

I’m going to make a bold pronouncement- the #1 dumbest thing you can spend money on for your wedding is ice. The Knot devoted a full page to a photo of these ice chunks. My mistake, I mean “hand-carved water diamonds.” But yes, these bad boys are $3/pc, meaning that if each of your hypothetical 125 guests gets a single ice cube in each drink, and they have only 3 drinks over the course of the reception, your ass is still spending more than $1000 on cold water. Cold water that, over the course of a half hour or so, will literally disappear.  

An entire article devoted to a YOLO wedding (The Knot)

This piece showed that you, too, can have a YOLO- style wedding. Suggestions included a grand escape via helicopter or speed boat, hiring two bands and a DJ to ensure you hear all your favorite songs, and other such sensible advice. The worst part is, YOLO was used unironically, although in a magazine catering to NY Metro brides, that shouldn’t come as a huge surprise (I’m looking at you, Long Island and New Jersey).

*The second biggest difference is the number of naked ladies.  

Photo credits: 1. Personal collection of Scrooge McDuck 2. Martha Stewart Weddings, 2014 3. Martha Stewart Weddings, 2014 4. The Knot 2014 5. Bridal Prop Shop, etsy.com