Your Daily Dose of Bridal Anxiety

So I finally stuffed the mannequin and put it on a stand (more on that later). It now lives in the corner of the living room, constantly reminding me that, with less than 9 months to go, I better get my a$$ in gear. Its presence has brought another reality into sharp focus, though.

Nick is going to see the dress before the wedding. Like, all the time.

In fact, nothing about my wedding look will be a surprise. I’ve shown him sketches. He’s seen pictures of me from dress shopping. I’ve made him look at shoes. I’ll probably force him to help me with accessories. And there’s the small matter that when you live in an apartment in Brooklyn, there’s not a great deal of space to hide a wedding gown. I guess I assumed that by this point, I’d be a millionaire and I could just have my atelier sew it for me- but spoiler alert, that’s not the case. So I’ve contemplated a variety of strategies- do I hide it under a sheet when I’m not working on it? That would require me having more than one set of sheets (JK, we do. We have two). Do I only work on it when he’s not home? Not the most practical.

There’s really no way. He’s going to see it.

All this is compounded by the fact that, for a variety of reasons- but mostly so we can have fun during our cocktail hour- we’re doing a “first look” and doing our pictures before the ceremony. So when I come down the aisle, there will be no great reveal. I think the tradeoff is mostly worth it- I’ve been to too many weddings where the bride and groom are missing for half the reception because they’re off posing in sun-dappled fields. I don’t want to do that. We’re also getting married in June in an unairconditioned factory, so it’s just common sense to try to take pictures before my face melts off and Nick sweats through his suit. But there’s a part of me that’s a little conflicted.

Part of why I’m making such a big deal about this is that I am a pretty lowkey gal. I don’t wear makeup, I don’t do nice things to my hair, and when left to my own devices, I live in running tights and sweatshirts. I’m not fancy. But on our wedding day, I’m hoping that I will be, and I guess I just really want to take advantage of being an elegant lady for once in my life. I have no doubt that I’ll be crying like a tiny little baby when I walk down the aisle (seriously, sometimes I start to tear up when I just THINK about it, and sometimes I think about it in public places like the subway, so that’s great), but people tend to get so dramatic about Nick seeing the dress beforehand that I’m worried that it will be a snoozefest for him. I know that is probably just Crazy Bride Kash anxiety. But every movie and book ever has glorified the moment at which the groom first spots the bride at the end of the aisle. He’s invariably overtaken with joy, gratitude, and wonder, and maybe he sheds a single, manly tear. It’s a beautiful thing. (Did you guys know there are entire tumblrs devoted to crying grooms?)

Plus there’s the whole “bad luck” superstition. So are we doomed? Probably not, considering the “not seeing the bride” thing mostly came about as a way to prevent grooms from skipping town before their arranged marriages if the bride wasn’t a total hottie. Since brides were effectively family property, this was a good way for old Pops to protect his investment- old-timey grooms were superstitious m***er-f***ers.  After 5 1/2 years together and many, many unflattering moments during which he could have run at any moment, I’m not particularly worried about this happening at our wedding. But although I am generally all for eschewing traditions that are rooted in the patriarchy, I’m not going to front- this is one thing I’m a little bummed to be missing out on.

Despite all my hand-wringing, though ,I know it’s going to be ok. We will not have that exact “spotting each other across a crowded aisle” moment. But we will have a different moment. And I guess I will just have to make the dress so good that it merits a first look. A second look. A lifetime of looks.